Best best man speech ever, apparently
- 16 minsFor posterity, here’s the best man speech I gave at my baby brother’s wedding. People kept telling me it was the best they’d ever seen. Naturally.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and any friends from beyond the binary.
Lock eyes with someone on your table and come to the silent agreement that you’ll be getting up to something together before the end of the night.
I’m Tony. Today I’m proud to call myself the best man, but a title I hold far more dear to my heart is that of best brother.
Sorry, I just meant brother.
It is in that capacity that I warmly welcome family, friends and everyone in-between to this historic venue to celebrate Giz and Alice’s new life together as joint custodians of the Pokémon card collection.
Until today, the most important thing that happened in this room was the announcement of Nelsons Victory at the battle of Trafalgar. I’m sure you’ll all agree that we are close to surpassing that momentous occasion with this wedding. . . especially now that the best man speech has started.
Thanks to Giz and Alice for inviting us all into their special day. And on their behalf, a thank you to everyone whose come. You’ve all made such an effort to look so fantastic. It’s not often you get to gaze out over such a good looking bunch of people as I am right now.
Combined you all provide the ideal frame for the picture perfect vision of beauty that Alice is today.
Can we get a huge round of applause for how amazing Alice looks.
Giz. You could have shaved.
Giz dropped into my life more than 30 years ago, and somehow hasn’t stopped making noise ever since. I’m sure you’ve realised this by now Alice. I’m sure you also realise that he’s a very open person. Ever since those early years, he’s been willing to share his most intimate moments with the people he loves.
It’s good to know that he’s also very predictable.
Giz blows an elephant
As the older brother, I had a few nice years as an only child and it was pretty great getting all of the attention. But he was cute and made funny noises, and had ears that were see through.
Ultimately, I figured I might end up needing an organ doner some day.
So I let him stick around. Every heir needs a spare after all.
Action had officially been called on our childhood as a dynamic duo, and I set about making good use of the size advantage.
But despite the endless words, learning a sequence of instruments culminating in a slightly off tune saxophone, and mimicking the pitch of what often felt like every single beep he has ever heard, the brotherly bond was strong.
We grew to be inseparable, acting as constant play companions and the best of friends to each other. Every day was a new adventure, with Batman and Robbin side by side. He was always a superhero in my eyes.
Just so were clear Giz.
Im batman.
Alas. Every brother in the room will know that two rules trump all others.
- Pinky promises last forever
- What mum doesn’t know wont hurt her
That means I don’t have endless stories to tell today to embarrass Giz. I’m sorry folks. That bond is too strong to break.
Instead, I’ll take this opportunity to make sure Alice knows exactly what she’s let herself in for. The ink isn’t quite dry on the paperwork yet, meaning it’s easier to escape now than it ever will be again.
Despite swinging from the kitchen sink in an almost continuous effort to concuss himself, terrorising the family pets by swinging them by the tail over the kitchen sink and even unwrapping all of the Christmas presents one year (which I believed included an indoor swing), you managed to survive childhood as my younger sibling.
You really did like to swinging didn’t you!
Alice. I’m sorry for the after effects of the mental and physical trauma I’m about to describe. And everything I dare not repeat. Hopefully the consequences are tolerable and the scrotal bullet wounds fully healed.
Many of you will know Giz hasn’t been well recently. When half of his face became paralysed, his first thought was for how it would spoil the wedding photos and thus Alices big day. My first thought. . . his face was probably going to do that anyway.
It was a look of panic I’d not seen in his face since childhood. Well. Half of it. I was really worried that it’d take the shine off of this magic occasion, and that it’d cost a fortune to photoshop his face into a beautiful state.
Look at Giz
It’ll still cost a few quid.
This miraculous recovery was like something from a movie. Which is very fitting. Movies have played a huge part in Giz’s life. Marvel is almost a religion to him. He cried when he found out he wouldn’t be going to Hogwarts to study. A love of film is one of many traditions I’m sure he will bring into your newly joined lives.
I’m sorry to say tho, just like the movies, the second brother is never quite as good as the original.
But very occasionally. Just once in a while. Perhaps even a single time in a generation, the sequel becomes a cult classic in its own right. As far as sequels go, Alice, you held the highlight of the Edwards box set in your hands at the altar today.
But lets not get ahead of ourselves. He’s no Godfather 2.
Over the years you grew from being a sidekick into a fully fledged hero through countless selfless acts and tireless training.
When I wasn’t allowed to put a nail in the wall to hold up a dart board, he was there to hold it above his head at just the right height to throw my first ever arrows. Without him, I’d have been lost. Unable to play.
But there he was, the Sam to my Bilbo ready to selflessly improve my odds. Of course, because of the height difference, I could prop the dart board up on the chest of draws when it was his turn. Better safe than sorry I thought. He doesn’t know how to play.
He wanted to play darts, I just tried to make him happy. He is the selfless hero who made it happen.
When I needed to practice wrestling moves ahead of the playground matches, he was happy to be contorted into any shape required by the newest finisher moves in the WWE.
I seem to remember he especially enjoyed the high flying moves. Which is lucky. I needed to figure out just how much oomph it took to throw a body across the room. . . safely. I guess he just loved flying through the air like superman that much.
As a big brother, I just wanted to make him happy. He got to practice being a hero once again.
Those of you with a younger sibling will know what their true role in life is. The fall guy. You’d be right to think that I blamed him for a lot of the things growing up. Every time. Incrementally. He was again my hero.
Even in prepping for this speech, I heard the story of how he scaled our grans kitchen shelving one cold winters evening during his Spiderman phase, bringing 100 years of the family china collection to the ground in a single moment.
Mum. I have to fess up. It was me.
Giz you’re a hero for taking the blame all these years.
The theme of jumping in to save the day continued into our adult lives. He’s always there to help get a project over the line as part of numerous ventures. To go that extra mile in doing the minimum needed to get him home as early as possible.
It was after one such adventure when I knew that these two beautiful humans were right for each other.
Three of us had pulled off a 16 hour long worldwide broadcast from my living room, spanning every timezone around the globe. It had been an exceptionally long day, during which Giz collapsed if I remember correctly.
That’s about right, isn’t it?
He must be the only person who can get exhausted from just sitting down.
Continuing to sit around on the sofas, we ate some pizza and nursed a beer. Well. . . giz didn’t have a beer. He was on coke that night.
Sat around, we were chatting the way you do when three guys are sharing a celebratory moment. You know the kind. Our guard was down just a little. During the flowing conversation, Giz mentioned in passing the rhino charge that these two do, before we quickly changed onto other subjects.
Don’t worry folks. We looped back.
What did you call it Giz?
Describe it.
It was said so flippantly, as if to indicate it was a regular occurrence. Something everyone does. In that moment, knowing that Alice could re-create the kind of joy the pair of us shared as kids, I realised my time as the source that child like fun had passed.
That torch was no longer mine to bear.
It was in that moment that I realised Alice made him happy in a way I never could.
Giz was now someone elses hero.
Being your personal super hero will be just one of the traditions that Giz will bring with him into your shared lives. But you probably know this already.
He’ll be there to protect you in those scary moments. To provide comfort when you’re sad. To entertain you when you’re feeling down. And to play his guitar at the exact second you want just a moments peace and quiet.
He’ll be there through the highs and lows of life. At your side. Hand in hand. Forever. Just like he always has been for me. Just like he has been in preparing for both today and your life together.
If ever he’s not, let me know. I’m always looking for a good excuse to put him in a figure of four leg lock.
Speaking of preparation, the wedding has looked stunning all day. Congratulations to everyone involved. It’s been a huge success. I was a bit taken aback by some of the decorating choices.
For those who don’t know, pampus grass used to be a sign of a ‘very welcoming couple’. Plant one in the front garden and you’d suddenly become very popular with other welcoming couples in your neighbourhood. Given how much you liked swinging around as a child, I do wonder if this is one of the adopted traditions.
Do you have a special bowl or should people drop their keys on the top table?
But enough of the frivolity, it’s important to not loose sight of the reason we’re gathered here today.
Jaime Lannister once said, “We don’t get to choose whom we love.”
I tend to agree with that sentiment, if not the context of that quote. Lucky escape Cassie!
There will be many in the room who would also share that sentiment.
You two are the result of countless couples choosing to spend life together for endless millennia. The odds of your family lines becoming forever entwined here. . . today. . . at this fantastic wedding are simply astronomical.
To call it destiny would be overplaying a tad touch to much. Too mystical for my liking. But perhaps we should thank the fickle fingers of fate for choosing to bind you two together forever.
That, the pasty shop rota plus Alices low standards.
It is my biggest honour ever to welcome Alice into the folds of our family and to congratulate the pair on their special day. You two go together so well that it’s hard to remember a time before Alice was a part of the family.
Mum said it simply. And mum said it best as they often do. Alice. . . you’re one of us.
I’m not sure that being one of us is necessarily a good thing. I mean. . . look around the room. But it is a thing none-the-less… plus you’ve signed the paperwork now. The ink is almost dry.
You have been one of us ever since the very first moment you stepped into Giz’s life. By my reckoning, that makes us the lucky ones. Why? Because with you comes a:
- Warm heart
- Sincere honesty
- A wicked wit
- A razor sharp mind
- An understated sense of class
- A depth of beauty only ever seen in fine art and read about in classical literature
Which is lucky.
Giz brings very few of these things with him.
What Giz does bring is years of training in being a personal super hero. He ran the gauntlet in his early years and finally completed the training. Today marks his final graduation.
You’ve heard throughout this speech how he’s been the Robin to my Batman. The Sam to my Frodo. The Ant to my Dec. And The Jazzy Jeff to my Fresh Prince.
But those roles.
All of them.
They were just rehearsals.
It is finally time for Giz to become the main character in the feature film that will play for the rest of your lives.
It’s one he’s been preparing for, for all of his.
This time tho.
It’s an original.
His forever role is to become the Clark Kent to your Louis Lane. To finally reveal his true identity as your very own personal Super Man.
If you hold on tight enough, and never let go, Giz will keep your head in the clouds, show you the wonders of the world, and forever be your protector. . . decapitating any and all who threaten the equilibrium.
Even rocking horses.
Every blockbuster needs a supporting cast, and people as amazing as these two do not exist in isolation. The bridesmaids are clear proof of this. Don’t these folks look great today.
Can we get a big cheer for how radiant they all look!
You’ve all been at Alices side throughout the organising of this wedding, and for countless years prior. You’ve helped keep everyone’s feet on the ground, the plan in motion, and even managed to prevent her from escaping.
Thumbs up
Nice work.
Without you all, today wouldn’t have been anywhere near as special as it has been. With friends like you all by her side, Alice should be able to put up with whatever Giz subjects her too. Even his onion ring windy pops.
One of you could have mentioned the pampas grass thing tho. Some traditions are best kept amongst friends.
I’d be remiss to not mention the Groomsman, and thank them for being the perfect friends to my baby brother. Of course, thank you for the Stag doo. It was the perfect end to the era of Giz as a free man. It was great to dress him up as my own personal superhero for that one final time.
With you all by his side, guiding him through life, relationships and everything between, I can see that Giz has everything needed for a happy and content life right here in this room today.
Give it up for the groomsmen
You’ll be glad to know this speech is nearly over. I’ve padded the afternoon for long enough and provided one last opportunity for Alice to escape.
But she didn’t take it.
Now, the signatures are dry and your union is a part of the history books. No take baksies now I’m afraid.
But before I ask you all to raise a glass and toast the happy couple, it’s only right we give them the level of cheer they deserve. We need to surpass the victory announcement in one final way. And that is in taking the roof off this room like it never has done before.
This is going to be the biggest cheer of the day, so follow my lead.
- Tapping hands on the table
- Add in your feet
- Quietly start cheering
- Louder
- Go wild
I’m sure that each and every person who cares for the both of you. . . in this room. . . around the world. . . and looking down upon us. . . all wish you both the very best on this special day.
It should be the goal of every person in this room to look into someone else eyes with same the love, passion and sincerity that we witnessed at the alter today.
Ladies and gentlemen. . . please be up standing.
Join me in raising your glass, and in toasting to the happy couple.
I give you Mr & Mrs Edwards
Hip hop. . . Horray.
The room goes wid again
Ohh. Almost forgot. Catch me over the evening. . . I’ll tell you more about that thing you’re going to be getting up to together.